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Red Lobster
39401 Fremont Blvd
Fremont, CA 94538
1-800-Lobster (Not Kidding)
RedLobster.com
Casually criticized: 7/4/04
Why we went there
Honestly, we don't know. We did everything in our power NOT to go back to Red Lobster, especially on our nation's independence day...but we were drawn in somehow. Perhaps it was fate, but after driving around Fremont for an hour on July 4th and not finding anything else open we were stuck. Our original goal was to go to Shakers Pizza with their JoMo potatoes, but alas, they were closed. We then drove north, east, south, west, and golurt (a little known "fifth" direction) and NOTHING. So tail between our legs, we decided to bite the proverbial salmon (almost), and headed back to the original...the source of the Casual Critic conceptualization post Hawaii initial idea-age....
Food
Two words: Horri and ble. Put them together and what does that spell? CRAPPY! Mark initially tried to order the "featured soup of the day." Simple enough, right? Something that is "featured" connotes "special" and maybe even as far as "especially tasty" and "actually on the menu" doesn't it? We discovered otherwise. It turns out that the most distinctive feature of the featured soup of the day was that it was like Darron's Dating Life: Non-Existent.
Mark then tried to order the sea bass. He figured that this was a seafood restaurant, so the chances of them having fish outweighed the probability that they would have soup by at least a fish head. Guess what...Mark was very, very wrong. Wrong like being attracted to your cousin wrong. No sea bass. So he asked the obvious question, "What fish DO you have?" "Trout and catfish"
Mark looked around to make sure that he was in the Fremont and not the Moscow Red Lobster. Actually, we were both surprised to even hear about the catfish, which wasn't even on the menu (probably why it was actually still around). Finally, with few other options, Mark went for the Fish and Chips. In retrospect, Mark wishes they didn't have this on the menu either because, honestly, he thinks Fancy Feast would have been tastier. The "fish" was gnarled, dry, and sickly. The fish must have been suffering from Parkinson's or something. Mark swore he saw them still twitching.
Darron, on the other hand, tried to order "Salmon in a Bag: The Whole-Salmon Version." Sounds yummy, doesn't it? Errr...
Our waiter came back in a few minutes after taking Darron's order and reported that Red Lobster, on July 4th, a National Holiday, when no one else in a ten-mile radius was open, only had half-a-salmon...so they would be unable to make Darron "Salmon-in-a-Bag: The Whole-Salmon Version." Darron smartly asked, "May I have two halves?" The waiter replied with a curt "No," and Darron was relegated to ordering "The First Mate's Favorite Shrimp: The Extra Half Dozen Version." We assume the first mate was retarded...the shrimp were neither plump nor juicy...and could not do simple arithmetic. Stupid shrimp.
We also ordered the Crown of Shrimp appetizer which was shrimp stretched out on a long toothpick stuck into a pineapple in a circular fashion...thus resembling a crown. Darron whined constantly that he couldn't get the shrimp into the dipping sauce because the toothpick was too long. Too much work, not enough taste...and the crown was greasy on Mark's head.
The Cheddar Bay Biscuits were delicious, as always.
Service
For the first time in our Red Lobster history, we thought we wouldnt have to wait over half-an-hour to be seated to eat a bunch of crap. When we walked in, the place was vacant..."Ahhhhh," we thought. "Instant gratification." They STILL made us wait for ten minutes to sit. HATE THEM!
We found that our waitress was to be Candice who introduced herself with a bang: "Hi, my name is Candice. I will be taking care of you...AS OF NOW." Thanks for the clarification, Candice. We instantly stopped wondering why Candice was not doing our laundry and dishes that past five years...she only started taking care of us THAT moment. WHEW. Anyway, she is a liar. She actually switched off our table and Ron became our waiter.
Ron was not a good waiter. He would trail off when he spoke, and he kept asking Mark for his pen back. Mark borrowed this pen to write notes about our experience at Red Lobster. The audacity. Ron, how were we to make fun of you without written reminders? Maybe Red Lobster was also short on pens...which is fine, because the place isn't called Red Pen afterall. It's ok to be short on writing utensils...but not having fish! Please!
Ron, the constant bearer of bad news (that Red Lobster really was a great place to go if you were anorexic), was ashamed of his job. We could tell he thought poorly of his employer. Yes, Ron, we knew. One of the little tidbits of wisdom he bestowed on us was that the Red Lobster menu would be changing "the day after the fourth of July, which would be the 5th...which is...oh, that's um, tomorrow." Thanks, Ron.
When Ron served the crown of shrimp, Mark tried to move the plate. Unbeknownst to Mark, the plate was PIPING hot and Mark scalded his hand in under three seconds, just like Tweetie Bird used to say in local Southern California TV commercials. Ron said nothing as he walked away with the pot holder. Ron is not getting invited to Mark's next birthday party sufficed to say.
The final cog in the Red-Lobster-Has-Terrible-Service-And-We-Now-Hate-Them-More-Than-Carnasaur-The-Movie Wheel was the fact that they had the DREADED loud talker waitress. No matter where Loudzilla stalked, we could hear her every comment, check in, confirmation...even her swoosh walking was annoying. "SO DID YOU GUYS GET YOUR DRINKS?" from across the room. "OH, I'M SORRY...WE ONLY HAVE HALF-A-SALMON." Seriously, Mark felt violated by her...like she was inside of him. Mark only wanted the sea bass inside of him, instead, he got the loud talker. Shutter.
Fun Factor
It goes without saying, Red Lobster is not fun.
Bang for Your Buck
The bill was over fifty dollars, and neither of us got what we originally ordered nor liked what we did order. The only banging was Darron slamming his head against the wall to drown out the loud talking waitress. Save your money and get a filet o' fish at McDonalds. At least that kind of tastes like fish.
Mark's Mom's Gems
She didn't go...but if she did, we can only imagine what she would have done. Do you have guesses at what she might have said? E-mail as at casualcritics@manasseworld.com. We'll post the good ones.
Miscellaneous
For years, Darron and I have joked about making a restaurant called "Purple Lobster" to run in semi-direct competition with Red Lobster. We think that's funny.
Many funny quotes came out of this dinner. Here are our favorites:
(1) In reply to Mark complaining about Ron turning down all our food requests, Darron stated, "Ron is just a prawn in the Red Lobster System." You have to think about that one.
(2) Darron asked Mark if he wanted to try some of Darron's mashed potatoes. Mark, feeling ill because of how lousy the food was, replied "I don't want mashed potatoes. I want to die."
(3) Darron commented that Red Lobster had succeeded in making us not want to come back anymore. Mark replied "They only succeeded in making me sick to my stomach."
(4) Ron assuring us that "all the healthy food on the new Red Lobster menu will be segregated from all the other stuff because people like to eat that healthy stuff these days or something." Until the healthy food demands to sit in the back of the bus, Ron.
(5) We came up with a new motto (was there an old one?) for Sunshine Saltine Crackers. Sunshine Crackers: Great In Soup. Soaks Up Vomit. Don't contact us Sunshine...we'll contact you.
(6) After the many mishaps of the evening, Darron astutely realizing that "This review is writing itself."
Overall
Mark: 1 out of 5 women's open-toed shoes
The only reason I am even giving this place a one women's open-toed shoe rating is because I used to like it. I went there for 8th grade graduation for Pete's Sake. But honestly, Red Lobster has gone down hill, and there is nothing the new menu can do to stop it. The food is awful and WAY over priced. I will NEVER, EVER go there again...until the next time I go. I swear...it's like a girlfriend I just can't break up with. I just don't like the thought of lobster claws near my private parts.
Darron: 1 out of 5 Hawaiian shirts 
I am presently near death. I will add a comment when I can.
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